Sarx

Michael asks:

Why do you think gay men of a certain sort seek religious affiliation despite the rejection we experience on almost every hand by the groups we seek to join?

Within myself I feel the struggle to find a spiritual home battling with the desire to be honest about the inadequacies of so many spiritual options. A desire for rigorous honesty makes me unwilling to “play at” a pleasing religious style that requires excessive “willing suspension of common sense”.

You are too subtle a thinker to give me a cheap grace answer, so I look forward to your reflections.

There is an across-the-board quality: I think that many gay men spend part of their life being so introspective - wondering what the heck has mis-fired, grown up different, changed, etc, between them and others. Why am I different from other boys? This isn’t true of all gay men, but a lot of them get it. And they hit religion seeking answers. There is a zen quality to figuring out *that* you are gay. You just don’t think the same way as others. And then there is a moment where you think “What does this mean?” I notice in many of my younger friends, who grew up in a more accepting society, that they do not have this issue or pattern. My friend, Patrick, was out to his parents when he was in middle school. He never went on a quest for meaning…

But some of us wonder a lot: reach and stretch, and, more than straight people, decide to risk something on the possibility that love might be “over there” instead of “over here”. No straight person ever had to ask “who are you and what are you doing in my hormones?” for longer than it took to get to sex ed or have the Birds and Bees talk with the Parents or, maybe, just see the most recent Time magazine or newspaper. Older than a certain age, every gay person has had to ask “What does this mean?” For straights, they just keep moving forward: they never have to wake up or look around - they run on instinct and never have to grow up. For gay, they mostly wake up a little more. And stay there. If the former are “never grow up” the latter only get to puberty. Again, I don’t see this problem in much of the younger gays.

And then it all breaks into three parts: I don’t know what you mean by “of a certain sort” so I have to read that in four various ways - most of which are mutually exclusive.

Some of a certain sort are beating themselves up. They have accepted God is real and they are thinking like the Apostles around Jesus when faced with the man born blind. They ask, “Who sinned, this fag or his parents, that he should be born this way?” They think something must be wrong - and so they attempt to appease God and they put up with just about every piece of crap thrown at them.

And they think, “Oh, I’m getting beat up for my sins. Good. Praise Jesus”

These folks are masochists.

Then there are those, of a certain sort, who get off on the oppression and the anger they feel. They want to be oppressed by “straight white males” so they can be angrier at same.

These folks are passive-agressive and they often do things like hold protests in churches when the Cardinal is visiting. They also often end up in gay-only churches later, still fuming about “them”.

A third sort usually end up Roman Catholic or Anglo-Catholic or Orthodox. Having spent much of their life in the closet, they are used to relating through a filtre, to communicating, as it were, sacramentally or through extra layers of symbol and code. They experience much of their life this way: and so they follow through with their spirituality. This is the way they know how to relate. SO they continue. These sorts often have don’t-ask/don’t-tell relationships with their clergy or religion.

I have been #1 and #3.

Styles 1 and 2, at least, and maybe 3 (but more later) can tend to keep the self inwardly-focused. Never focusing outward not only prevents one from growth or change, but it also keeps one from seeing that there are other ways to deal. Nos 1 and 2 also are just exaggerations, reaction formations. They are as much out of whack as all sex all the time parting.

A fourth option - selecting a spiritual community where all (gay and straight) are nurtured into spiritual adulthood together. The result can be something akin to “the younger gays”. A life lived “as oneself” doesn’t need sacramentalism or filtres or even confession of faith. They are themselves as God made them - pardon the phrase, but “in dios”. It’s rather refreshing to watch. And they don’t need the masochism or the passive aggression. I fancy myself here, now and then, but I know that I dance between here and #3. There are still times in my life when I feel it’s important to be closeted for a time - until it’s clearly safe to come out into the open.

As I said to the Preacher Lady yesterday: it’s a desire for integrity, or even self-integration. I think you can dance between 3 and 4 as an adult, seeking to be whole, but also mindful of those others who might stumble. And mindful of the ways in which one is expected to grow.