Sarx

HILE Most folks incorrectly think that Cinco de Mayo is either Mexican Independence Day or else a small town in the West of Ireland, for us here in Buffalo’s Historic Allentown district, it is the Annual Re-enactment of the Battle of Puebla, hosted by our own Cozumel Grill. The hosts play the role of the Mexican Army, held in their fortress by the encroaching French – played in this annual event by scads of tourists from Amherst, Williamsville, the Tonawandas, Cheektowaga and the South Towns. The role of trapped Mexican Peasants is played – most often unwillingly, by area residents who must fight the French invaders at every turn, keeping them off our property, keeping them from stealing our shopping carts, keeping them from parking in our no-parksing spaces and, of course, fighting them for the few available parking spaces we have.

The local soldiers at Cozumel Grill yield the barricades early, letting the French in for the happy bribe of $10 and suddenly we poor peasants are inundated by men and women with bad fashion sense and too much cologne. They come from all directions, charging the fortress. They look hot in their finery, I will say. But this is before the battle is enjoined. Muscles flexing and booty shaking they walk gaily (straightly?) to their doom. Little do they know that our famous Mexican Soldiers are about to rape their wallets and destroy their minds with too much tequila.

Once within the gates of the fortress they discover it’s too small, too loud and too packed with their fellow French fools. In the heat and press they find themselves suddenly intoxicated and powerless to defeat our most secret weapon: the sombrero-wearing shot girls.

This stymied and repulsed, the French are forced back out the door onto the streets of our fair town where they ravage the countryside, get shot at (!!!) by B-B guns and yell at our dutiful uniformed officials.

Only the few stranglers doing the walk of shame show in the morning after. But these are the French… and they will be back to surrender again next year.