Lent, at least in the East, is over. I have to report I failed: mind you, I didn’t touch meat. I think I was served (and therefor ate) dairy once or twice. Eggs might have snuck in and I know Sean Franc used olive oil at least once. But none of that is what I’m talking about. Pride and anger are my stumbling blocks – as my Vocational Discernment committee from St Gregory’s church could have told you or anyone who has ever lived with me. And if you have any doubt, read “I was in Hell” and see how many times I vent, explode, accuse or rant. I’m not only angry, I’m famous for my anger and, like Glen Beck, conservative Christians love me for it.

There I go again, getting angry.

Father has been doing a series of pamphlets on anger and I’ve been reading along. But I cant figure out what to do about it. Ten years ago I learned to successfully hide my anger – but I’ve never learned what to do about it. I have figured out, finally, that there is a connection between pride and anger, but I still can’t figure out where to cut the root structure so that the one never grows and never has a chance to mature into the other. I know it has something to do with love, however.

Hardly a week went by this Lent when I didn’t have blow-up, or, at least, a blow out: the former being a full on drama moment while the latter was a huge internal battle resulting in snottiness. In every case the event that precipitated the emotion was a challenge to my self identity, ie, not to my self but rather my false-self the things about me that I imagine are “me”. I invest a lot of “self” in some pretty shallow things: work, money, hobbies, etc. Challenge me on any of them and I feel attacked, personally. And I react, personally. I used to react that way when someone challenged me on sex, religion or politics, but I’ve learned (or else convinced myself that I’ve learned) that those things, at least, are not “me”. Bread baking, on the other hand…

Confession tonight and Holy Week. Caviar today and fish tomorrow. I know crash and burn is a good thing. But damn: it sucks.