"I was in Hell."
This essay was written in Aug of 2003. It has also been published, in a well-edited version, in Touchstone. It it was very kind of Khr Frederica to link in her review of Kinsey.Comments are once again working and registration is no longer required.
Please Note: This post is from the past - as Father Seraphim notes, there is Hell. But there is a way out of hell - and it's not listening to the Episcopal Church or other revisionists of Christian teaching: that is the quickest road back to hell.
The Journey out to salvation continues in other posts:
Ontology 1
"Gay" doesn't exist as anything more than a distortion of who we really are: men and women.Ontology 2
Actions here become a block to communion: real communion in Christ, because they deny the personhood of all involved. Each becomes merely an individual: to the drunk, to the sex addict, to the adrenaline addict, to the dancing partyer, he's the only person who matters, his needs, his desires. He objectifies everyone - and so, also himself. With such objectification, communion is impossible - and thus, personhood, the product of communion, is denied and destroyed no only in the first person but equally in the second person as well. Idols are created when "what I do" becomes "what I am." Just as suddenly, my false sense of me, my idol, keeps me away from my own wholeness - my own salvation.Ontology 3
The Christian community is made up of Slave and Free, Male and Female, Jew and Greek. When they walk out of Liturgy on Sunday Morning, they are still those very things. But he does urge them to live as Christians, not as Jews, not as Greeks. And he is in pain that some desire to return to live under the old law (4:21), to return to their old lifestyles. Why do you want to give up what you learned, what you now know to be Truth, in exchange for those half-truths and untruths you used to live?Look Homeward, Angel
Same-sex attraction is not a sin. It is a temptation - just as much as any other temptation in this society of physical temptations. But the Church asks us who live with same-sex attraction to say "no" to that desire, just as She asks those who are married to say no to desire for parties other than their spouse. It doesn't matter who you are attracted to - if it is not within the bounds of matrimony, it is a sin... Giving in to temptation is a sin however. We are taught to struggle with sin, to wrestle with it, and by God's grace, to win. But the giving in is the bad thing. And yes, sexual acts committed outside the bounds of Holy Matrimony are a sin.
Hell Reconsidered.
Please be sure to read this newest essay to see my place and thoughts now - especially if you were sent here by someone making a political argument!
In an extended email conversation among the liturgical staff after that event it was evident that he thought my prayer misguided and that they were wrong and we were right. No other view was to be accepted in the liturgy at his parish - he, a man who had just come out to the parish and had, obviously, swallowed the party doctrines, hook line and sinker: these AMiA folks wanted to send us all back to the dark ages and we needed them to be enlightened. We were called to enlighten them.
5 or 6 years earlier, talking to my then supervisor at the Episcopal Church Center about the (then) American Anglican Congress and its predecessor the Episcopal Synod of American - especially in terms of one of member of those bodies (Bishop Wantland) that worked closely with my boss, a support person for Wantland's diocese and also a gay man living with his clergy "spouse". The question was how can we as gay Christians make room for those who disagree with us: St Paul says not to scandalize each other, shouldn't we as gay folks side with Saint Paul and stand down our new morality so as to keep from scandalizing those who held an opposing view? The answer was a clear, "No." There was no room for people like that in the Church - the time to insist was now. In the words of Barbara Harris, "let them go." Or, "Good bye and don't let the door hit you on the way out."
One more time leap: A few months after my prayer was "edited" by another gay man, as noted above, I met with the other rector of our parish who asked me, point blank, why it was I wanted to be in communion with those folks who didn't want to be in communion with me - and why I was willing to ignore folks who wanted to be in communion with me. The problem was not that I was rejecting those folks - old friends, comforting faces. The problem was they were rejecting me: not for my sexuality but rather for the heresy (in liberal eyes) of believing in the Bible and the created order of things, of believing in a bodily crucified and bodily resurrected Christ; the heresy (in liberal eyes) of being a mostly (small o) orthodox Christian. A quote currently making the rounds - "A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him saying: 'You are mad, you are not like us.'" - Abba Anthony of Egypt. I was mad in their eyes.
Yesterday, an openly noncelibate gay man was confirmed in his election as a Bishop in the Episcopal Church. The key word here is not gay, I think, but rather non-celibate. He intends as Bishop to live with his sexual partner in the Bishop's residence. This event is predicted to cause schism and turmoil - a nullity of convention has been declared already by the Bishop of Pittsburgh, a chaos resulting from lack of leadership and intervention from overseas bishops. Yet Monday morning Canon Robinson set on national TV and said his election would bring hundreds into a church that now saw that church as welcoming and inclusive.
And, I want to admit - he may be right. The chance to attend a rite with one's lover, to sit there and enjoy the music, to be told God loves you, and to hear a sermon about "green ecology" and "social justice" and "liberal politics" would be a lovely way to spend a Sunday morning - and to be followed up by coffee and maybe brunch with friends at some local eatery. We'd all go home and feel much better. It would help so much.
Why then, was a woman crying in the corner of the room at Canon Robinson's election - lamenting that her church had departed from the faith? Why then are thousands of Anglicans around the world prepared - as never before - to get out a can of whoop-@55 should this event come to pass? Why are soon-to-be-exEpiscopalians (at least one family of them) already showing up at my Orthodox parish's door? Because, "Salvation", as Fr. Schmemann says, "...is not only not identical with help, but is, in fact, opposed to it."
Modern psychology and the obvious advances in culture and education which have brought us the freedom to show full frontal nudity to teenagers and to teach them condom use, have also taught us that ancient cultures were horribly backward in their understandings of sex and sexuality. It is so painfully obvious that the aberration of Judeo-Christian ethics must be stopped that some folks will go so far as to imply that such morals are not part of the faith at all - never intended to be included in the "enlightened" teachings of Jesus.
There is, however, another view:
Eugene Rose, a gay man living in San Francisco in the 50s and 60s, wrote,
"...my mother has discovered, rather illegitimately (I shall tell you of it later) that I am homosexual; if you have not surmised the fact already, it is time you know of it. I have not quite been kicked out of the house, but I probably shall not return after September. My mother was quite hysterical, but my father persuaded her that I am only 'sick.' I have agreed to go to my friend's psychiatrist in S.F., which I was rather interested in doing for other reasons, at parental expense.Later we learn,
"I suppose you have also surmised by now that I shall live this summer, and sleep, with a young man I love, and who loves me."
(letter dated June 1956, quoted online.)
It was Rose's gay partner in San Francisco who introduced him to the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia. But while Rose was immersing himself in the mystique of ancient Orthodoxy, his partner, who had written a book about the Church, was losing interest in it. Soon the Church took Rose wholly, and he and his partner split up.I was in hell. I know what hell is.
A social doctrine adopted by the Council of Bishops of the Moscow Patriarchate last year describes homosexuality as "a sinful injury to human nature" to be "treated by sacraments, prayer, fasting, repentance and the reading of the Holy Scriptures."
Referring to his young adult years before he became fully involved in the Orthodox Church, Rose once said: "I was in hell. I know what hell is."
(Ibid.)
I stand by those words of Fr Seraphim. This Hell is being driven by one's hormones and knowing that to deny them is unhealthy. Hell is being driven by one's desires and fantasies and knowing that to deny them is to deny the only joy there is, the joy that defines your whole being. Hell is a fine San Francisco morning standing in one's bedroom while an orgy takes place in the hallway outside. Hell is a foggy San Francisco afternoon standing in a room full of men involved in various actions with each other - and somewhere a voice tells you it's all wrong, but you don't know what to do. Hell is a balmy SF evening on a back porch listening to ten gay men in the middle of the most liberal Episcopal Diocese in the country insist that all churches are homophobic and evil. Hell is being told in a Sunday sermon that Jesus died in 1st century Judea, that Jesus isn't alive, that Jesus isn't coming back, and that he would want that you should "follow your bliss" to find the will of God in your life - all of this when you know now that your "bliss" makes you more depressed every time you indulge in it.
Hell is a "Pride Parade" where no one looks at you, where know one returns your compliments where no one bothers to notice you - on a day when egos are supposed to be full and fluffy, hell is having one's ego bashed. Hell is knowing that at this point someone reading this essay will say "Oh, he's ugly and bitter, that's all." Hell is watching your friends die for the sake of their own freedom to damn themselves - and hearing them cry "I didn't do anything to deserve this... God is hateful."
Hell is knowing that there is the slightest possibility that these "Jesus Seminar" folks and these other "new theologians" are wrong. That 2000+ years of orthodox Christians are right: what if gay sex is evil? Equally hell is standing next to those who end that conversation by saying "Oh, shut up." Hell is being told that all the Gospel is wrong - millennia of your brothers and sisters in the faith were wrong - that Jesus loves you just as you are and no change is required, we'll just throw out everything that disagrees with that. Hell is being told that this nihilism and denial of any and all truth is exactly what church is supposed to be - liberating us from the dark past of sin and law.
Hell is finding out that no one really wants "a relationship" no matter how much they want it blessed or accepted; rather just the ease of sex, the right to demand acceptance of their neighbors and the ability to collect insurance. They'd also like it to be open, please, not monogamous, with a don't ask don't tell policy and weekends free to "play around." And don't judge us, please.
Hell is standing in the middle of the most gay-friendly city in the country - perhaps the world - and knowing that, please God, there must be something more than this.
Or maybe Hell is belonging to a church that just pats you on the head and says, "That's ok, dear."
Hell welcomes you in from the cold by leaving all the windows and doors wide open and turning off the heat (too great a change can be a shock, you know). No change is required. No shift in vision. "We value every person and support a widely diverse community" means we have no standards, there is no difference between church and Denny's.
There is a way out.
Update: 2003.VIII.9:1112 A correction was made to the text of this post - an entire sentence was deleted and not replaced. For more information see the text of the correction
Updated: 2005.X.2 Hell Reconsidered. Please be sure to read this newest essay to see my place and thoughts now - especially if you were sent here by someone making a political argument!
COMMENTS
And what, dear writer, is that you would view as Heaven? For me, Heaven is knowing that the Church holds firm to what has been taught since the beginning.
Dear Lola - Certainly on earth, that is heaven - or rather heaven is being in a place where that is true (The Holy Orthodox Church). Thank God. I pray for the grace to stay - and I need your prayers as well.
Wow. Thanks so much for this post. I plan to link to your blog from my site and to peruse more of it when I have more time. Wednesdays are among my busier days.
We maybe on different sides of the Great Schism divide, but I found a lot of shared experience in your post. Have you ever heard of my book Beyond Gay?
I have not read your book, David, but I just read a very nice review (after a google) and will add it to the list! Thanks for the note and the visit!
Moving post. I, like David, am Catholic. I pray your testimony brings many people to the Truth. God Bless.
Huw:
Amazing post, as per your usual.
Make no mistake, there is no such thing as "inclusivity" and "tolerance" in ECUSA--well, not at least among the cognoscenti. Clearly, this Convention it was "Our way or the highway." What more "in your face" action could this General Con have taken than this action? Rites for the blessing of same-sex unions will be an anti-climax.
Here's what's wrong with acceptance of gay sexual activity:
1. Equates a set of behaviors with personhood.
Which is Sartre's conclusion: hell is other people. We have no way to relate, no way to commune with one another. All that is left is adversarial relations and rights. No unity can be had when identity (as opposed to personhood) is founded on behavior.
2. Denies that the spirit is greater than the flesh.
The devil's lie: biology uber alles. But of course, then there is no responsibility, no accountability. No freedom. Political oppression by the state is clearly a natural function of human evolution. It's how we are as humans. Don't tell me you disagree, that you have rights. You're nothing but a mass of electrochemical responses to stimuli. You have no thougths or rights.
And so forth. Of course, no one really holds these beliefs. And I've painted them in terms of their logical conclusions, because, frankly, all the rhetoric in support of gay sexual behavior is just so darn unthinking.
Look, I've read Boswell, Scanzoni and Mollenkott, Scroggs, et. al. They either fall into the material fallacy (we're nothing more than our matter) or the fallacy of over specificity (these NT texts can't apply to us today because the historical situations they're addressing are just so different from our own)--though perhaps there might be others. But if they'd think through the conclusions of their claims, they'd realize, they have nothing to stand on.
This is no Gospel. This is hell. Rightly said, Huw.
Huw, this is a very moving and powerful testimony. Thank you. I was inspired to go and read several of your webpages related to your spiritual walk. Very moving, and I see that we both have much in common. You were in a liberal Episcopal church, and I was in a Unitarian Universalist. Our reasons for leaving were slightly different (I left for political reasons and reaffirmed my Christianity later).
Grace and peace, and I am real glad I read your site today.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.
I don't think I'm a good reply to the Activists out there: there is much that the Left could make of the links on this website, for example. There is much that the activists could say about my past and my present (and, no doubt, things that will happen in the future).
I am a sinner. My understanding of that sentence grows nearly every moment. But I do not yet weep for my sins. In my clearest moments I imagine that some sins are not really, you know, all that sinful. I am a recent convert to the Faith - a baby. Please pray for me.
I think hell, here on earth, is being told you needn't struggle with sin. Sin is a sickness leading to death. How can we *really* enjoy it? How can we be cursed to sit in our sin? *Sigh* I'm still smarting from this mornings events.
Much love.
Wow, excellent post! You nailed it. When I was a fornicator, the "fun" was enhanced by being forbidden fruit--breaking the rules--sin. (Even if I denied it consciously.) Today, fornicators are just so blase' about it all. Where's the fun? For the same reason, I don't think that gays really want to have homosex and/or the gay subculture totally accepted and normalized to the point where it loses its shock value and the fun of the forbidden. They want the dominant culture to be scandalized and shocked and offended. The moment society becomes blase' about homosex, then homosex becomes blase'.
No one who endorsed and supported my sin ever did me a favor; I was imprisoned in a misery I could barely keep the lid on. Only prayer, falling in love with the Triune God, and becoming humble before the All Holy Lord got me on the path of healing.
God bless you for your courage. Pray for this sinner and I shall pray for you.
Holy Spirit, fill us up and renew us and recreate us!
Even I would be pissed as hell, Huw. He was in the wrong to do such a thing. That, my friend, is what I like to call Liberal Fundamentalism. If we ask one group to have humility when standing uponn their interpretation, then we must ask no less of ourselves. As one of the resident relativists who meanders through your blog every couple of days, I want to appologise on behalf of people like him...
Though it may very well be waisted on him. But I shall continue to pray for our own conversions...his as well. For we are never done sinning.
Thank you for this article. My husband and I visited St. Gregory of Nyssa when in San Fransisco about 7 years ago, in search of a church that took liturgy seriously. We were dismayed to find ancient forms mixed up with
RIGID Jesus Seminar teaching (the rector had never heard of N. T. Wright or Luke Timothy Johnson) and Buddhist-type meditation. Someone very kind took us on a tour to the forest, and there was a Christmas-tree decorating party afterwards. Our hearts ached for the folks who were getting only a very little of the gospel, and most of it distorted. Since that time, I have remained Anglican (though who knows what will happen to the faithful Anglicans after this convention), my husband has one foot in Eastern orthodoxy, and my 20 year old daughter has been chrismated. God bless you: perhaps you were among the folks that we met?
Please pray for our family, and others who have found the voice of the historic Church in Anglicanism, but who see the glory departing. Pray also for our faithful bishops, like +Robert Duncan (Pittsburgh) who must steer his flock as God directs. As the darkness comes upon North America, may we all who know and love Jesus see a family likeness in each other and pray for each other.
Written on the Feast of the Transfiguration, and praying for a glimpse of glory,
Edith M. Humphrey
New Testament Professor
Pittsburgh Theological Seminary
"Acquire peace and a multitude around you will be saved"
I do think your trip back to the South has put some things into clear focus.
Pray, do right and trust God.
Dear Dr Humphrey - thank you for your most kind note!
I've only been in SF for 6 year - and was at SGN for 3 or 4 of those. I'm sorry I wasn't among those you met, although at the begining of my SGN tenure I was, really, a rather differnet person!
I think maybe you saw the old building - or just the very first lines of the new building. The new building is worth a visit - even if you don't (perhaps especially if you don't) stay for liturgy! There is much that could be done with that building by faithful Anglicans - or even by Orthodox folks. But who has the time to wait?
You and all my Anglican Friends are in my prayers. I have frineds (as I'm sure do all of us) who fall into either camp - and I fear both camps will have lost much before this is over. I pray that no one's soul is among the losses!
Please pray for me, a sinner.
Dono you have no idea how happy I was to find a picture of Seraphim Rose in the Church. Y'all need an icon of him :-)
http://www.doxos.com/images/icons/bl-seraphim.jpg
Thank you for this post. The longest-living lie I ever embraced was that sexual desire is an unqualified good. After many years of marraige and many years of Christianity, the knowledge that it is a lie has finally started to reach the deepest parts of my being.
That is the real lie, I think, Douglas. That any craving (sexual or not, really) that the body might have is the only justification needed for acting on that craving. It gives me a new insight into the Church's teaching on fasting.
Even in sitting here thinking about it, I'm realizing that much of what is taught in the school where I work is devoted to such a thing - "IF it feels good do it" is really only the surface of the lie.
ARGH. Thank you for your comments, Douglas, I need to meditate on this a bit.
JMJ
Dear Huw,
I was, and remain, stunned with gratitude by your eloquent post and consider it an honor to pray for you.
Your essay, along with so many of the comments here from other Christians, has, through the grace of God, inspired this Roman Catholic to pray harder than I ever have before for the reunification of our Church.
If you get the opportunity, I would greatly appreciate your prayers. See, I'm a sinner myself.
In Christ,
Kelly
Very moving, eloquent, and powerful writing; truly inspirational.
As I read this essay this morning - in several locations around the net - I see several bit that need clarification:
1) "vested as a deacon in the morning liturgy". The parish in question allowed for lay people to dress and act as deacons in all liturgiess. They call them "lay deacons". I was not nor am I ordained.
2) It mayn't be clear to non-Orthodox folks that Eugene Rose is Fr. Seraphim - The young gay man later realized he was in Hell.
thank you for being transparent.
Your article was one of the most moving things I have read on this subject. I am an ELCA Pastor. Our church is "debating" the gay issue at present. I am under no illusions as to what the outcome of this debate shall be.
I am flirting with the idea of leaving the ELCA before we repeat the mistakes of ECUSA. I invite your prayers for me and the ELCA.
Your article proves the power of Jesus Christ to transform us into his likeness.
By the way have you read any of Dallas Willard's works?
You are in my prayers, soul warrior. Read of you at FreeRepublic.com. Interestingly, I live in Johnson City, TN, an hour from Asheville. Know this, brother, celibacy, particularly your celibacy, is empowering for the spiritual warrior. Hope your Mom and Dad are adjusting well.
Rgerads,
MHGinTN
Corrections posted...
An email from a friend noted I had said (in "I was in Hell") that Gene Robinson got a divorce in order to live with a man. My friend pointed out that was not true - that there was time between the divorce and the living with: the one was not predicated by the other.
I'm sure it has been noted in the papers on some timeline somewhere, and I was unwittingly in error. I have removed the line in question.
My friend informs me further that the *text* of the journal post has been circulated (rather than links to it). Of course, I can not tack that in the way that my site-tracker can track hits and links.
Although I know many folks know what a blog is and are duitifully careful, please pass this Correction along should you find Doxos quoted in error as "Fact" rather than "Diary".
As always, if you note errors, let me know.
Pastor Fred -
Thank you for your kind comments! I have not read any of DW's works. Nor am I familiar with the name! What sort of books are they? (I suppose I could do a google search and find out, but better to hear from a reader!)
Asking your prayers,
Dallas Willard writes on discipleship and Christian transformation. His writings have become a watershed for me. I highly recommend them to all.
"The Divine Conspiracy" is most helpful in the develop of a spirituality.
I am struck by the notion that when the spiritual dimension is missing from our lives we slip into the awful things which now confront us as Christians.
Huw,
Many thanks for your powerful words.
Only two months ago I resolved to give up the ugly half of my double life, and God as blessed me with many fruitful changes in how I spend my time, albeit not complete success to date.
Your piece is redolent with memories for me. But I fear a lapse at any moment. I know it would not take much. It would be easy to be faithful if the Lord were returning tomorrow or next week, but I cannot stare the next year or decade in the face and be confident that I will be loyal to the last.
The Gene Robinson decision is another horrifying wound in Christ's body; but even worse for me it whispers temptation - that there is such a thing as a monogamous gay relationship which God might bless - something which experience tells me does not exist, or at least not for me or anyone I have ever met. Some days I feel strong in the Lord; some days very weak.
I have read some books about becoming 'ex-gay' but I don't have the will (or the messed-up childhood) that seem to be prerequisites; or is it lack of faith in God's transforming work?
I am Anglican in Australia. Our priest the other day asked for us to remember in prayer the the international church where scripture has been violated... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD".
I am nonetheless unhealthily fixated on this whole issue and wish to God there was nothing on the internet about this subject (except your musings).
Thank you for your honesty. Too many of us are silent. Any spiritual hints or exercises would be much appreciated. God Bless.
Can a heterosexual offer a suggestion? ... Get busy working to relieve the suffering of others. The world is in great need of God's presence in His servants as they work to help others. Sex is not the most important thing in life or eternity. The time spent on this plane is but a heartbeat of the eternal.
D.A. - I'm not familiar at all with the Protestant literature on this subject. In the Orthodox Church all questions for guidance on exercises, etc, should go through one's spiritual father (or Spiritual Director) - and I'm not such a person.
For me following what is nearly a lay-version of Orthodox Monasticism makes sense but your milage may vary: but immersing yourslef in the daily office of the BCP is never a bad idea at all - including the daily psalms and bible readings. I would say come out to your clergyman and ask him for help - but you know your pastor better than I: some local Anglican clergy, maybe some monk or nun (I don't know if Anglican Monasticism is that popular in Australia) or a priest you know well. They would be better suited, I think, to help you than I. But I will remember you in my prayers - and ask you to do the same for me.
thanks Huw,
I have been quite blessed so far. I live in a country town. I contacted a non-denominational ministry and was quite surprised to be recommend to a minister of my own church in the city. I have met with him once. The books he gave me to read were of the 'healing' sort, though. I shall see him again.
I know I should come out to my priest, for my own good, and maybe (if I were more public like you) for the good of all those well-meaning types who have never met a gay person, and who don't understand the reality of the gay lifestyle.
Thank you for your prayers, Huw. Of course I shall do likewise.
MHGinTN - I appreciate your advice; and I am praying for discernment of others needs; but sometimes it seems like putting the cart before the horse, when your whole mind-set has been trained to the pursuit of your own pleasure for so long.
D.A., you're fighting an addiction. Lean on the Lord and know that He has already won against addiction on your behalf. Claim it
Dear MHG and DA - This is a perfect example of why the web isn't a good place to look for such advice: unless who know to whom you are typing, you don't know if you can take the reply. Your own trip to the local service is worth way more than what I might post here. I don't mean that you *need* to come out to your priest as opposed to others - until you are ready to ask for his help! Take the steps God gives you.
Orthodox Christianity teaches that we must "work out or salvation in fear and trembling". That means we must *work* in it. Orthodoxy calls it "Theosis" or "Divinization" of man. We participate by our lives in the Grace (energies) of God. We grow - in this life and by that Grace - to become like Christ on Mt Tabor, a light with the Glory of God.
As I said once a while ago - God will not save me *because* of what I do or don't do (ie not works righteousness): God will save me *by* what I do or don't do. We must grow into the image of Our Lord: the works we do, the sins we don't do, are all part of that.
Well worded and poingant essay, Huw. Your honesty is refreshing in a time when so much I get from the media is half-lies. Thank you.
This was a wonderful article that I believe is the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. Scripture tells us that God's people parish for lack of knowledge" and some of that is spending to much time listening to people and not enough in God's Word--the Bible. Maybe I misunderstood what you wrote in the post about working into the image of God and how we are saved. But I have been taught and Holy Scripture confirms that we were all created in the image of God and yes it was tainted by Adam and Eve, however, the blood of Jesus Christ has remedied that. We are sinners saved by grace; it is the GIFT of God! It is Jesus Alone that purchased our salvation, not Jesus And..........anything. Christ Alone. Martin Luther came to that realization after years of trying to work out his own salvation with all penance, relics and teachings of man's tradition. Then God's Holy Spirit spoke through His Word--not I believe, unlike He has recently been speaking to you. That's where the concept was introduced to Luther in Romans, I think, and Sola Gratia, Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura, and Sola Christus. AS you may detect I am Lutheran Church Missouri Synod and we daily face "persecutions" albeit "little ones" because many, not all of us stand on Scripture when facing many issues of life that have become hotbeds of political correctness. If I seem to simplistic please forgive me, but Sin is Sin; there are no degrees of it or worse sins and better sins. Do you believe God forgives sin? If so, why is the sin and deliverance from homosexuality so much more difficult than the sin of fornication, adultery, murder, destroying our "brother's" reputation, lying, coveting, etc.etc. Each person has his own "thorn in the flesh" and his own sin to deal with before Almighty God. Either Jesus Christ paid the price or He didn't. I believe He did and in our tradition we are told that when someone confesses sin to us we are to pronounce absolution. IN the name of JESUS CHRIST you are forgiven, go in peace. Does this mean there will not be temptations or that you will be sinless--no--we sin daily in thought word and deed, but, God has delivered you and this sin is under the blood and when you are tempted let the Holy Spirit fight for you while you pray, read or quote the Scriptures (Jesus in the wilderness--"Man cannot live by bread alone but by every word that proceedeth from the mouth of God", praise HIS Name! Claim the keys to the kingdom! If these things are foreign to you I recommend you get a copy of a Concordia Self Study Bible NIV version published by Concordia Publishing House and a copy of Luther's Small Catechism. This is to quote a professor in theology at Illinois College, the gospel in a nutshell. Spend five minutes a day reading the catechism and then reading the Bible passages given in the section you read and you will find out about the keys to the kingdom and many other things that God lead Luther to write to give His people knowledge. The section on the Lord's prayer is fabulous because it teaches us what we pray for when we pray and when we don't know how to pray, Jesus has covered it all for us in the prayer He taught us to pray. Incidently, there is a movie called Luther being released on September 26 this year. I understand that it is true to Luther as a Christian and not just portraying him as a political or social activist. It will give you insight into his trials and temptations as a Christian and how God worked in his life. I thank God for you and your obedience to the Holy Spirit. Be strong--"Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand in the evil day". I have a fine friend who is a Bishop in the Episcopal Church here and I know his heart is broken. I pray for you and for him and the church at large in this matter. Pray for me as well, your sister in Christ Jesus, and a sinner saved by the Grace of our Loving Lord Jesus! God Bless and keep you. Sandy
Hi Sandy - Thank you for your kind words and your forgiveness!
Thank you for the suggestion of the Luthrean Bible from Concordia. You may also find helpful the Orthodox Study Bible, which is available from www.light-n-life.com it is currently out only with the NT and Psalms but the entire translation will be finished in 2005, God willing.
I find much in there to pray about.
Good day Huw,
Thank you for the info on the Orthodox Study Bible. I will check it out.
Pray for the leaders of our country today and for our country as a whole. May God give us the strength to know His will and to do it. This is a grave task in a world in which SELF has become god. May God have mercy on us and keep us in the one true faith untill He returns for us.
Have a blessed and prosperous day in His service!
Sandy
I came accross your remarkable and moving essay in a link in the "Stephanos Project" website where it is descibed as "A light-bearing post from Huw Raphael". After reading it, I admit that I found it very light-bearing. I have a sense that it will become a beacon of hope for many.
Pray for the sinner, George, who prays for you.
Dear George,
Thank you for your prayers, I so need them. I believe this is the will of God that we pray for each other even as our Saviour Jesus intercedes for us in heaven. I didn't know that Huw had posted it, but if it has been beneficial to you, I am glad. However, I cannot take the credit as I only wrote the words that God brought to my mind as I was responding to Huw's exceptional article. I will pray for you George and pray that God will bring healing, deliverance and whatever else you need in this life. May He prosper and bless you in health and daily needs and may He continue to use your life and testimony in the lives of others. In Jesus' Name. Sandy
Dear Sandy,
I don't know quite how to tell you, or even if I should, but it was actually Raphael's essay I was referring to (i.e. Huw's). As an Orthodox Christian, I cannot accept "Sola Scriptura" as you say in your post, because we hold scripture to be part (but not the whole) of Holy Tradition. Given that, if you still wish me to include you in my unworthy prayers, I shall.
Dear George,
I am sorry about my mistake thinking that you were referring to what I wrote. However, I would be grateful for any prayers on my behalf because I know it would be pleasing to our Lord who has instructed us to intercede for our spiritual brothers and sisters. As for "sola scriptura", sola fide, sola gratia and sola Christus, I will leave that to the ministry of the Holy Spirit in your life as He leads you through God's Word. I thank you for your time and for your prayers and pray God's richest blessings on you as you seek to follow Him. Sandy
Hell is seeing a non-celibate gay man consecrating in the midst of the epiclesis with living water, the renewer of the worlds, flowing as a gentle stream and wondering, if the tradition has the Scriptures right, how the Spirit does not rebel against him as it rebels against you when you are in rebellion.
Dear Psellios,
I have read your above post many times, and shown it to several people, and not one of us are fully certain of it's meaning. But I should say that it is not acceptable in Orthodox Theology to creat a dualism between Scripture and Holy Tradition since Scripture is a part of Holy Tradition (which of course, began before the New Testament Scriptures were written).
Our President GW Bush needs your support now! Help him crush the Godless among us. Help him destroy Islam and all who aren't worthy in Jesus's name.
God spoke to our President and opened his eyes to the truth! His call for a Crusade was no slip of the tongue, but a read-between-the-lines message to Christians everywhere.
In Jesus name let us all work together to re-elect Bush and destroy the hated Liberals who have no place in God's Kingdom.
Jesus hates Liberals and loves Republicans! The Holy Scriptures tell us this! We must do away with democracy and work to make George Bush our President and leader for life, giving him all power to unleash God's fury upon the heathens with nuclear weapons if it's God's will.
God wants the wealthy to lead us and rule or He would not have favored them.
Let us pray...
Huw,
I'm going to go out on a limb here and opine that the above post by "Bush speaks for me" was made by somebody not all that familiar with your theology...do correct me if I'm wrong.
On the other hand, it was nice to get a reminder to visit your lovely site!
Hi Kelly and thanks for stopping in!
And greetings to all the readers who still get comments via email from this post.
My appologies.
I hope the upcoming feast is joyful!
No apologies necessary, Huw! To others: for a good time, as long as you're here, just point your browser to http://www.doxos.com (or, just delete everything in the address bar after these characters) and enjoy a truly authentic blog!
Huw, someone linked from Doxos to the manuscript I'm offering on line regarding embryonic stem cell exploitation and cloning (a layperson's guide to the science of it all). Since it's offered free to all who will read it (though I retain copyrights), may I offer the following addy? ... http://weneedtalk. blogspot. com ... when there, one may link to the PDF or html formatted copy.
I offer thanks for your boldness and bravery; affirming in the midst of great animosity the Truth of God's word.
(A Protestant.)
Dear Mr. Raphael,
The above list of thank-yous should speak adequately enough for me, but I still wish to thank you for your post. I am a new Orthodox Christian struggling with homosexual temptations. Reading your post broke a downward spiral begun when I stumbled across several websites strongly (though baselessly) defending actively homosexual lifestyles. May God deliver us all from the bad on the internet and bring us to its good!
Thank you again for your eloquent post! I pray that our Lord is blessing you (and delivering you from the pride the above comments could be eliciting :-) ). May He strengthen us all in the struggle for deification!
Humbly in Christ,
Mariko, sinner
Mariko - may God work in both our lives!
I ask your prayers for this sinner.
Mariko and Huw,
I just asked Our Lady to pray for you both...she will, I know.
Hey, as along as I've been invited back <g> I wouldn't mind a prayer or two for me!
Folks -- I know many of you will be receiving today three e-mail notifications telling you that "somebody responded to your post." But honestly...isn't it worth while coming back to this site?
In the Body and Blood of Christ,
Kelly
My weak prayers for you both - thank you for yours! (And thank you, Kelly, for approaching the Panagia for me.)
Mariko, sinner
I just found this [yes, I know it's linked on the first page, but I'm not the brightest bulb in the box].
Thank you Huw. Thank you for your honesty. As someone who only acknowledged his homosexual tendencies a year or so ago, I wish I had've read this earlier. I'm sure I "knew" earlier, but denial can be a powerful thing. I'm still struggling day-by-day, and not many people close to me know.
Thank you once again.
Christ is risen! Truly He is risen! Just found this through someone else's site -- WOW, Huw. My hat is off to you.
Thought you would like to know at least one outcome of Rev. V. Gene's elevation to the bishopric: The local Episcopal parish, once the strongest parish in this town, held its last service on Western Easter Sunday. So many people left the parish in protest that they just couldn't sustain it any more.
We each carry the cross with our name on it, throughout our lives. It'll be interesting to see what kind of crown it turns into, in eternity, if we are faithful to carry it to the end.
Pray for me, as I shall pray for you. Meanwhile, you're an inspiration!
JMJ
Indeed He has risen, Meg!
Thanks for the post which invited me back. Huw, the site looks great and the post is terrific.
Sites like this make me really want pMachine!
Prayers for you all,
Kelly
It's a branch of metaphysics, Olympida. Look that word up and then...well, come back here, I guess. ;-)
May God bless you all,
Kelly
19 y/o, evangelical Christian, translator/interpreter, overcoming homosexuality + masturbation as a haunting obsession.
Huw,
When I visited the St. Gregory of Nyssa Episcopal Church website (with all those "dancing saints" icons) I saw a deacon baring a strong resemblance to your picture on this blog, teaching the congregation a sort of liturgical dance or jig. Not to embarace you, my brother, but was that you?
I read your story in Touchstone and was much moved by it. While not a homosexual, I do struggle with temptations of lustfulness. The need for prayrer and sacraments to overcome these temptations (whether of the homo or hetero variety) is indispensable. These are our only way out of the hell we make for ourselves here on earth, not to mention the one we get stuch with for eternity in the next life.
Pax Tecum.
Prayers are with you Alexander, and with you, Robert, and Huw, as always, it's a pleasure to revisit your site.
It looks great! And now I'm about to enter the secret word...
No embarrassment at all: yup, there are pictures of me serving as a deacon on the SGN website. I still think WR (even at SGN) has better taste in vestment fabric than ER :-)
As a homosexual that is attached very much to the teaching of the Mother Church, I abstain from sexual impurity and cringe when I see folks who use sex as they would a drug. But there are moments when I know that I'm very lonely and will probably die alone because I will not find someone who will be my partner through hell and high water until the day we die. How convenient it is for the normal people to build families and have people who will care for them in their later years. It's hell knowing that I won't get that not because of my own choice, but because I was born this way. I refuse to tell a woman that I love her when I really don't, marry her and potentially cause an eruption of psychosis and harm in later life ... not my piece of cake.
Hell is being fully Orthodox in my prayer life, staunchly defending Orthodox Dogma and Doctrine against the revisionist hounds who would mock our Lord by turing him into in effect the equivalent of a Gandhi or MLK Jr., rather than acknowledge his divinity, and still get no credit, no acknowledgment, just a backwash of hate, disdain and lack of care from clerics and laity in the Orthodox Church alike.
Hell is knowing that no matter how much confession, liturgy, prayer or whatever else I do, the Church will never recognize me. It will never acknowledge me, and it will never recognize my need for a companion and partner in my life. It's like a stepladder that never ends - why do I keep trying?
Contrary to 90% of the gay people in this world, I don't want to have a wild orgy going on in my hallway, or sit in a room whilst men engage in disgusting tawdry acts of cheap sex and promiscuity. NO! What I want is to be a practicing Orthodox Christian, who attends the Liturgy, goes to confession, prays, and does things like every othe Orthodox Christian, and like every other "normal" Orthodox Christian I would like the opportunity and the privilege to be united to a partner monogamously for a lifetime
Finally - Hell is being in two worlds. For one I am the weirdo in the Orthodox Church, the one no one talks to, the one the Yayas avoid, the one from whom mothers shoo their children away so as not to be in contact with the arsenokoita. For another, I'm a weirdo in the gay world because I'm staunchly Orthodox, extremely observant and devout, and I refuse to get involved with the cheap and casual sex that that society espouses
So tell me - where do I go from here?
You say: "Hell welcomes you in from the cold by leaving all the windows and doors wide open and turning off the heat (too great a change can be a shock, you know)."
Wow, this is an amazing post. I think I experienced a little bit of this; just a tiny fraction, in my living immorally in the past.